Kittens!

Ok folks you've had several days to leave a comment whilst I've been busy at work. You haven't left one, I'm not offended, its been 7 months since my last 'comment free' blog but no you can't upset me by ignoring me. No way, it'll take more than that, no there haven't been any tears or tantrums or anything, just don't care if I'm honest, no, not bothered, just not bothered. It is a bit rude though. There I've said it. Now I'm prepared to move on.

Anyway, the fluffy kittens are here!! Yes poor old Bob our cat had to be put down a few months ago and we have been debating his possible replacement for a while. They arrived yesterday and consist of a little grey girl called Belle and a little peachy boy called Sebastian (Seb).

They don't quite know what to make of us and we don't quite know what to make of them. In a certain light they look seriously alien like, really they do. I half expect them to fix me with a steely gaze and issue some ultimatum for mankind in a deep throaty voice before peeling their skins off to reveal their true gruesome selves. Eeeeuuuuww!

Belle and Seb in their den. The dogs don't know what to make of them and Josh seems petrified.

Staking a claim for the sofa in the sitting room in the west wing, actually the only sitting room we have, came over all 'grandeur' for a moment then. This was whilst I was at work incidentally and Mrs Bigsoftee was in charge.

Other news is that we had some ****hole messing around in the alpaca field the other day whilst we were both at work. Gates were deliberately opened, alpacas were rushed into paddocks and gates closed again. Mums and cria were separated and Columbus, who is a tad aggressive towards other boys at the moment, had several hours to beat the living daylights out of Henry, our first ever cria. Henry was in a real state when I found him cowering in the bottom corner of the main field. He was bloodied and in a state of shock surounded by the weanling boys who also looked like they had had a bit of an ordeal. Angry just isn't a big enough word, furious doesn't even touch it, I was..........well you can probably guess.......the air was blue and I was in a murderous mood for quite some time.

The only other thing that really threw me was the presence of a dead magpie in the gateway that had been opened and closed. Almost like a sign. Well if the perpetrators would like to present themselves for a return 'sign' I will gladly provide one, right in the teeth.

Lastly some good news. Liz Curzen who has a small herd of alpacas a couple of miles up the road phoned with some splendid news today. Liz has a lovely brown female called Connie who's womb was rented out to us last year. She was covered by superstud ATA Cambridge Centurion last summer and gave birth to a beautiful fawn female cria this morning. She will join the mighty Patou herd once she has been weaned later in the year. So far this year the mighty Patou has three new cria, all female. Now there's something to smile about!

A visitor from down under.

We have been bathed in glorious sunshine all week again apart from a couple of short thunderstorms and we are loving it. Nothing better than being up at the crack of dawn, outside in my peejays observing the Patou herd as it goes about its mighty morning business. Laying about in the shade basically.

Priscilla's new cria has now been given a name by the Patou herd naming committee, she will be known henceforth as Patou Minstrel, or Minnie for short.

Priscilla is chock full of milk and Minnie has been feeding well, in fact Priscilla has so much milk I almost feel like drawing off a pint myself to have on my cornflakes. There might be a bit of spit involved if I tried so perhaps not.

Yesterday we had a visit from Sarah Wheeler from Prados Alpacas in Australia. Sarah was over on family business and very kindly took time out to come and visit us. Sadly Sue and Angus had to head off to a birthday party but Sarah and I had a very interesting discussion over lunch about alpacas and stuff. What a lovely lady and what lovely presents! You shouldn't have...but you did.....so thank you very much!

Sarah and her husband Perry farm alpacas near Adelaide and are following the brown and black route much like ourselves. In fact that wasn't the only thing we have in common. Sarah is a district nurse (Sue is a Community Midwife) and Perry is a retired Copper like me..........have I retired yet?..........damn I don't think I have you know....................bugger.

They also have a splendid blog, if you don't already know it can be accessed at http://alpacachat.blogspot.com/.

Massive gardening day for me today so I'm off for some serious limbering up.

She's done it!

Having heard of lots of late births this year we have decided to buck the trend down here in Patouland as Priscilla gave birth this morning one day short of eleven months.

At 11.30 this morning she popped out the cutest little female, weighing in at 7.25 kilos.

She has a lovely dark brown fleece and has inherited her mothers white spot on her chin which is a common theme with Priscilla's cria. Other than that she is without white fibre so that's great.

She is as yet, unnamed, but doing very well.

Where have I been?

Hello readers I saw today that it has been almost a week since I last posted and I just don't know where the time has gone. So without so much as an intelligent thought here is the drivel.

Things here in Patouland have been ticking along with a hefty bit of interference from the day job which actually turned into a night job for a couple of days. Yes, here in Wiltshire the event or rather 'non-event' of the year is the summer solstice at Stonehenge. I believe Stonehenge is what actually puts Wiltshire on the map. Without it people would just keep going until they reached the real West Country.

As usual fearing the absolute worst the bosses make everyone work all weekend and I was no exception.

The highlight was guarding an empty park and ride car park for 12 hours during the night. Don't ask me why I was there, I just was and I have rarely, if ever, been quite so bored.

Anyway, alpacas. Priscilla our matriarch is now 4 days away from being eleven months preggers and is enormous. Sue tells me her 'bits' have changed shape and a couple of days ago there was so much movement going on inside I thought there was going to be a side exit breakout........messy.

Last year she went eleven months and 2 days and I would be very surprised if she lasted that long.

Poor old Priscilla is doing a very good job of amusing me whilst we wait. She is so large that every movement, be it a scratch, a lie down, a get up, a spit, a sneeze, a sudden trot, even a tight turn, causes her to fart in a comical 'raspberry' like fashion. It's very amusing to a juvenile delinquent like myself.

Priscilla looking LARGE with Lily in the background practising her summer tap dancing routine.

She is carrying a cria by Lillyfield Jack of Spades of Inca, our favourite stud male and we are very keen to see the result. Priscilla hasn't got the best history with us and has produced three boys in a row over the last three years. Not only that but two of them, Bo Jangles and Jonah were not solid colours. Very handsome boys with lovely fleeces, but not solid. She owes us a beautiful girl and I just know she is going to come through with an absolute cracker.

Other news here is that we are still experiencing something called 'Summer', quite extraordinary. We have had barely a drop of rain in the last month and the alpacas are making the most of their relaxation time. I looked out of the window a couple of days ago and saw that Old Sunface the silent sniper had once again been out picking off the herd one by one.

I was almost tempted to join them but didn't want to take the chance. Bald head, no cream, no hat, excess sun exposure, equals, in no particular order, bollocking, pain, redness and more pain.

One day soon, I promise, I may act like a grown up.

Spit offs and stuff

First of all some news about Miss Rosemary Mint, the invading lamb of doom. She has gone. I had just about had enough last night with her continuous sleep breaking bleating that I cracked. Downstairs I ran and sorted her out once and for all. No more Miss Mint.

Actually before you all start bleating about animal cruelty that was a fib. Some friends of ours who live about a mile up the road fell in love with her and so she has gone to live in their garden as a pet. She will be spoilt rotten by three young girls who will no doubt be fighting over who feeds her etc. If I am honest with myself, I miss the little ball of fluff, she was quite sweet, noisy but sweet.

Anyway on to alpaca stuff. Big Jack of Spades, surely the coolest, dudiest stud male around was spitting off here yesterday and all but one of the girls didn't want anything to do with him.

Lily who wasn't keen to be covered a week ago went down like a sack of spuds this time and there was love in her eyes as she looked round at the big fellow. Now if that mating doesn't result in the most beautiful cria in the whole wide world I'm a chinaman. I'll let you know in about 11 months or so hopefully.

Columbus's one and only conquest so far is also still spitting off so at least we know he works. He ought to with nadgers like that, they are seriously big, proper big.

He has caused us some consternation recently. The idea was initially to get Jack of Spades working and then to get Columbus in a pen next to him so that he could watch the master at work and would have an idea of what to do. That worked until Columbus decided that he didn't like watching Jack messing with his girls and he turned a bit protective.
In fact he turned violent and as previously reported was banished to solitary confinement, where he remains. He still paces the fenceline, a big mass of testosterone and confusion. Bless him he's acting the part but doesn't really know what to do.
The plan now is to surround him with empty females and play an orgling CD to him which I suppose is a bit like Barry White for Alpacas. We'll get there eventually. We have to, he's got some lovely ladies waiting for him.

Under seige

We are under seige here at Patou HQ. Security has never been so tight.
There is a round the clock watch mentality here.
This, fellow alpaca loving friends, is serious, we are now at Defcon 4.


What, I here you wail, is causing such concern?
What terrible being is keeping us on our toes and has caused such unrest within the confines of the mighty Patou headquarters.

Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to the cause of such fear.

You may have guessed from previous posts.

Yes, it is Miss Rosemary Mint, the invading lamb of doom!

Sure she appears all fluffy, all cute, all cuddly, but within that fluffy outer shell lurks the wicked mischievous mind of a machiavellian demon. She is the master of deception, an evil genius and she is toying with us. She has managed to get inside our heads. She is relentless and her wickedness seems to have no boundaries.

Having portrayed the role of 'abandoned dying lamb' to perfection, she gained a foothold into the house. A bath to warm her up and 24hours living in the bathroom as she lounged as if unable to stand whilst Sue tended to her every need. A night in the kitchen where she was able to work her evil mind games on the poor unsuspecting mad labs, they now follow her commands silently and without question.

We managed to oust her into the garden as her spells were not quite strong enough to defeat us and there she has remained largely until this very day.

She is, however, very definitely staking us out. She sits, lies or stands near the door, sometimes bleating to deafening levels waiting for her next opportunity to enter the house. We feed her three times a day without question, she has gained that control quite easily whilst we suspected nothing. Now when she commands we run around in a panic until milk is prepared, powerless to stop ourselves, we try, believe me, we try.

If we do happen to leave the door open as she mentally distracts us with her mind control she leaps up the step and enters. If anyone approaches her to eject her she has perfected a final evil trick which she carries out with a smile and sometimes a wink. She wees on the carpet. As soon as she gets through the door her rear end drops and it's tinkle time, we are powerless to stop her. Having peed, she prances off and we are left with nothing but the echoes of her evil cackle in the air and a growing wet patch on the carpet.

I ask for your thoughts and prayers at this difficult time.

Latest report from Patou HQ

Well I am now three days into four days off and I don't know whether I work harder at work or at home. I know, asking for trouble with that comment.


Jack of Spades was back this weekend and four females out of the five he 'saw' last time spat off very nicely. The one conquest of Columbus so far is also spitting off. We have two other ladies here for him to get acquainted with but he is not making life easy for himself. Columbus has become a complete hooligan. He is currently still in solitary confinement as he attacks any male that comes anywhere near him, apart from me of course, mainly because I am usually chasing him whilst waving a piece of blue piping and shouting obscenities! We will see if we can introduce him to some girls tomorrow.

On Saturday Angus and I, together with his best friend George, went to the Tank Museum at Bovington for the morning. Much fun was had looking at tanks and army stuff. I hope George's mum doesn't mind publication of the following photograph of the two rascals posing in front of one of the many tanks.


Yesterday Angus and I spent the day with three of the mighty Patou herd at the Gillingham and Shaftesbury Spring Fayre. We were very lucky with the weather and spoke to a lot of people about the wonders of alpaca ownership. My parents came along and my father was soon talking 'alpaca' to the massed hoardes. The alpacas were a big hit as usual and as proof I took the following picture. You can clearly see the swarms of people waiting to talk to me.


Alright there's nobody there in the picture but honestly we were busy most of the day! Patou's Millie, Barney and Alacazam strutted their stuff in the ring in front of the gathered crowds whilst John Gaye (yes, the John Gaye of Alpaca show legend) gave a superb commentary. He took a lot persuading as he has officially hung up his microphone but after hours of negotiating agreed for the princely sum of a pint of real ale. Well worth it! Thanks John.

Right I'm now off to play football in the alpaca field with Angus (his thunderous right boot has outgrown the garden).

Au revoir mes petit pois!